time flies
I don't even know where to start. Should I open with how I haven't touched this blog since before my holiday? Or that I was wishfully thinking when I thought I could maintain a blog with those purple talons and by the time I had them removed I was overwhelmed by life? Maybe I should talk about the status of my works in progress (nonexistent)? No, no, I should start with the fact that I have been completely burnt out from work having covered a 5-month maternity leave and part of my recovery has been reconnecting with my roots by revisiting relics from childhood and re-immersing myself in spiritual practice. Yes, I think I'll begin there.
Let's say, over the past four or so years, I have been putting a lot of work into myself. Back then, my angel of passion had full reign, which usually wasn't an issue until it was an issue. That means, being passionate isn't a problem in itself, but like anything, left unchecked it causes a disruption in one's emotional equilibrium. This is many words to say a simple thing, but I was getting in the way of myself and as a result, actively sabotaging my own contentment.
Now, this is not to say I didn't have any pressures contributing to this destruction, in fact, my angel of passion marked it as the sole cause of my distress, absolving herself of having contributed as well. It was us against them, whomever they were at the time.
My angel of passion still does her thing but has been made to behave by her twin, my angel of discernment. Quiet and to herself, she didn't bother to interfere with Passion. Things worked out, mostly. Some of the time.
Passion rarely thought things through, often stopping short at her own conclusions. It takes Discernment to stop her in her tracks when she is ready to run off without truly thinking through what it is she is running with. If it sounds right enough, she didn't question it. It almost always sounded right as it always leaned into Passion's smoking suspicions. What can you tell someone already convinced?
Discernment, on the other hand, needed to know the ins and out of it. She'll turn it in her hands, smell, and lick it before drawing a conclusion, should the situation require. She took her time with her judgments. Imagine these little angels as a fire, with Passion cracking and splattering as wisps of the flame while Discernment lofted to the heavens in steady wafts of vapor.
It is ongoing and will be for life. It is a goal now, something to work towards. Balance.
I bring this all up to emphasize what I felt like was a bit of a regression, which was awful to experience. In the midst of losing track of myself, I resorted to old habits in defense, and in the end, it only enlarged a rift I had been, oh, so desperately trying to bridge. Luckily, as a result of listening to Discernment, we made it across the bridge, though not without its own set of emotional baggage.
And that is how I knew I wasn't the same, at least not now. There is no point, as I see it, in”regressing” back into who I thought I was before. Who’s to say I truly know now, anyway? The reality is I am made up of my experiences, so what is the point of encouraging further disillusionment that there is a possibility I could be her again? And truthfully, why would I want to be? She, from then, was a touch naive, a bit more ignorant or unaware. Uninformed. Sure, I've closed up a bit more,, but that is just me, and that's all I can be.
Everything must change
Nothing stays the same
Everyone will change
No one stays the same
The young become the old
And mysteries do unfold
'Cause that's the way of time
Nothing and no one goes unchanged
There aren't many things in life you can be sure of
Except
Rain falls from the clouds
Sun lights up the sky
God loves you and I
Therefore, I don't fear the change, I welcome it. The period of recovery is making peace with who I am becoming. I don't dislike her, so I see nothing to change...for now.
Religion and Spirituality have been playing their parts in my life as well. I realized I think I need to have religion in my life in addition to my spirituality. For me, one cannot replace the other. It throws me off in a way. That, in itself, has been a wonderful journey, and a true light during all the darkness.
It is good to get back to being myself. It is good that spring is on its way to do away with this chill, in weather and soul, and to usher in a time of rebirth and cleansing, of new growth. I keep reminding myself, it is good, it is good. Because it is.
Now, back to the music. There is so much that I want to do at the moment, I'm on a science and theology kick, currently. I cycle through my interests and hobbies, and I have cycled on from music blogging, just for a little while. There has been so much good stuff coming out back-to-back that I needed a chance to truly enjoy it all whole, at least before dissecting it.
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